


come back (i still need you)

by cinnamongemini



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fix-It, He gets his hug, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, bucky deserved so much better than what endgame gave us, endgame steve was not my steve rogers, fight me, steve doesn't do the dumb thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-01
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25008340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamongemini/pseuds/cinnamongemini
Summary: they say if you love something, you have to let it go.maybe that's true but that doesn't mean it won't hurt like hell when you do.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Comments: 6
Kudos: 130





	come back (i still need you)

**Author's Note:**

> steve rogers was ROBBED of his character arc and i stand by that. also i love peggy carter and i know for a fact that she would smack him upside the head if she knew what he did in endgame. so here's my version of how endgame should've went

From the moment Bruce had uttered the words ‘time travel’, Bucky already knew he had lost. The physical war was over but that didn’t include the one that had tormented his mind ever since that day on the Helicarrier. Not unlike what HYDRA had done, it was an all consuming feeling but where the brainwashing had been like suffocating in ice, this was a roaring fire inside his chest. The _need_ and _want_ and _longing_ were all a part of him by now and they were a constant.

Steve didn't have to say anything, the look on his face was enough explanation. His eyes shone with the same intense determination he had during every mission or strategy meeting. To Bucky, he still looked to be the same stubborn punk kid in Brooklyn who couldn’t ever run away from a fight. Bucky wasn’t sure if there was any fight this time, at least not to Steve, his mind seemed to be pretty made up already. 

“Don’t do anything stupid ‘til I get back,” and of course Steve would leave him with _that_. It wasn’t fair. When he last said those words he had been shipped off to a war he hadn’t remembered wanting any part of and left behind the only family he had ever known. The only difference now was that Bucky _had_ come back in the end, more or less, and Steve wasn’t going to. 

_Steve wasn’t coming back._ The thought burned Bucky to his very core, shattering any useless lasting piece of hope that had lingered.

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you,” his voice was quiet and threatened to break around the edges but he pulled himself together and forced a smile. It was a weak little thing but if Steve noticed, he didn’t comment. 

The hug Steve pulled him into was already too short. This was their unspoken goodbye and that was all he got? Bucky felt cheated. He wanted to demand Steve to atleast give him a proper farewell. He wanted to yell and scream at him to _stay_ and not to leave him alone in this unfamiliar world. Not to choose Carter over him. _‘You promised’_ , Bucky’s mind whispered desperately but he didn’t dare say it aloud. Because this wasn’t about him. Not anymore.

“I’m gonna miss you buddy,” Bucky murmured finally when Steve had long pulled away. He knew there was more that needed to be said, more to be done, but it was all he could do not to just break down right then and there.

Steve’s responding comment of “It’s gonna be okay, Buck,” only made it all the more harder. Maybe for Steve it would all be okay and he would get his happy ending, but saying it was going to be all fine and dandy was like a kick to the gut. Because _no, it wasn’t._

Still, Bucky tried for another half-assed fake grin as Steve walked up with the case of stones and Mjölnir onto the machine behind him. Sam and Bruce quickly talked about how long it would be but Bucky didn’t hear them over the rush in his ears. He clenched his metal hand into a fist in his jacket pocket and willed himself to be stable enough at least until Steve couldn’t see him anymore. Couldn’t see the broken expression he knew he was wearing. Apparently, this was the end of the line for them and Bucky didn’t think he could take it. 

“Going quantum in three, two, one,” and just like that, Steve was gone in a flash of particles. Seeing the platform empty was nothing but a dull ache among the wave of heat that climbed it’s way through Bucky’s body until it settled right into his heart like some cheesy love poem. It wasn’t a surprising feeling, more like a reassurance of something that his Winter Soldier conditioning couldn’t ever wipe away.

“And returning in five, four, three, two, one…” Bruce continued. It was hopeless, Bucky knew, but that didn’t stop it from hurting when Steve didn’t appear. He really was gone. 

Sam immediately asked where he was and Bruce, who was already in a flurry of pressing buttons, said something about how he had missed the time stamp. Bucky wanted to tell them it wasn’t worth it, that Steve had meant for this and wasn’t going to return to them. For a few seconds, he let himself be angry at Steve for not even thinking about telling the other of his plan and cursed the man for only thinking of himself. But as Bucky turned around and started to walk back into the dense forest, he knew that if anyone deserved to be selfish in this world, it was Steve. 

The trees rustled slightly with a calm wind and birds chittered soundly in their nests. It was all too _happy._ Too bright and cheerful for such a heart shattering moment only Bucky knew. He could hear Sam calling after him, possibly asking if he knew what had happened but Bucky remained silent, his footsteps like heavy boulders hitting the earth. He couldn’t say it because if he did, then it made it all the more real. Because then he had to admit that when he had told Steve he didn’t feel he was worth all the trouble a few years ago, Steve had ultimately agreed. Bucky wasn’t worth saying for in the end.

He had plans to go back to Wakanda and visit Shuri with Steve, maybe get some new shiny tech they could show Morgan when they got back. Not necessarily to play with but something she could analyze and try to figure out. It was already clear how much she was like her father in that aspect. Bucky also thought of going back to live in Brooklyn, try and see if their old apartment was still there or if it had been changed up like so much else in this new time period. 

Bucky chuckled. The sound was a short and sharp ghost of an actual laugh, lacking any warmth it usually held but he couldn’t bring himself to care at that moment. _God, it hurt._

It was funny how naive he was to think Steve would actually want to have a life with him. Steve had always hid it well but it was clear he was missing something in this life. Maybe that something was waiting for him back in 49’ and who was Bucky to deny him of that? Even if it kills him. 

All of sudden, a bright flash lit up the trees and ground behind him, followed by the loud bang of shoes hitting metal. Bucky stopped dead in his tracks but didn’t look to see. He didn’t want to turn in hope, only to figure out it was his fucked up head playing tricks on him. Besides, it couldn’t be...

“There you are, Cap! It took you long enough. Nearly scared us half to death,” Sam laughed, sounding immensely relieved. Bruce answered much the same, starting to babble on about how dangerous it was if Steve had gone off course. Steve’s loud but tired accompanying laugh is what made Bucky finally swallow his fear and turn around.

And sure enough, standing proud yet a bit wobbly on his feet was Steve Rogers in all his glory, holding his shield and not looking a day over thirty. His white helmet and matching uniform were already sinking back into the bracelet at his wrist as he stepped off the time machine. Every move seemed to happen in slow motion to Bucky. He still couldn’t understand what he was seeing was the truth. Steve was really there, alive and as handsome as ever only a few feet away. _He was here._

Bucky watched Steve walk over to Sam first, handing him the shield with ease and momentarily laughing at the bewildered look on the other man’s face. 

“So did something go wrong or did something go right?” Sam asked, letting his gaze linger on the object in his hands before coming up to meet Steve’s eyes. 

Steve smiled genuinely for the first time in awhile at that moment, considering the question. “Well after I put the stones back, I thought maybe I’ll try some of that life Tony was telling me to get,” Steve paused then looked around, blue eyes settling on Bucky before continuing, “and I knew that life was right here.” 

Sam followed his gaze over to Bucky, who was still planted to his spot, and smirked. He leaned over to whisper something to Steve, nodded once back to Bucky then promptly turned on his heel and walked off to help Bruce with dismantling the time machine, shield in hand. 

Bucky felt frozen to the ground as Steve started to approach him. How? Why? Didn’t he want to stay back? Bucky’s thoughts twirled insistently around in circles, never seeming to land on a concrete answer. Steve had looked so sure of himself, so happy to be able to go back to the 40’s and live the life he’s always wanted. So why was he here now?

“Hey, Buck. Miss me?” Steve asked, a smile still plain on his lips like this is what his real plan had been all along. 

“You came back…” Bucky whispered, a statement more than a question. A small part of him was aware he was shaking and tears were starting well up in his eyes but he couldn’t find it in himself to care. _Steve stayed. With him._

A flicker of confusion crossed his features before Steve’s eyes widened in dawning realization, smile dropping like a stone in water. He quickly closed the small distance between them before enveloping Bucky in a tight hug, strong arms coming to wrap around his waist. 

At the first feel of touch, Bucky collapsed heavily into Steve’s embrace and buried his face into the man’s neck. The sheer relief of it all couldn’t stop the violent shivers that wracked his body like an unstable leaf in wind or the tears that seemed to fall without stopping, all the previous tension curling inside of him finally snapping.

“You thought… oh, _Buck_ ,” Steve breathed, arms curling tighter as he rested his head on top of Bucky’s. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” 

Bucky sniffed slightly, trying to rein in his emotions. “Peggy. You could've started a life,” he muttered. It came out muffled and wet from where his face was still pressed against Steve’s neck but Steve heard him clearly. 

“I did go see her but only to fulfill my promise for one last dance. She had a family already and I wasn’t going to ruin that for her, especially not when I wasn’t her’s anymore. Her Steve died when that plane flew into the ocean,” Steve explained softly, combing a hand through Bucky’s hair. “But even if we could’ve worked out in the end, I wasn’t about to risk losing _you_ again.” 

Bucky raised his head slightly at Steve’s words, pulling away only a fraction to look into those baby blues he’d grown to love. They emitted the same warmth and security Bucky had felt all throughout his childhood. People had thought Bucky Barnes was the immovable rock, the tough and tall protector but in reality, Steve Rogers had always been the lifeline at his side he clung onto so he wouldn’t crumble. 

“I watched you fall from that train and then turn to dust in front of my own eyes, Buck. Both times I had thought you were gone for good. But now that I have you back, and the war is over, I’m not letting you go anytime soon. I’m with you till the end of the line, remember?” the last part was whispered but Bucky would’ve still heard it even if Steve hadn’t said anything at all. His feelings were always loud and on broadcast when he truly meant them and they washed over Bucky like a peaceful wave after a storm. Like the sun peaking over the horizon and shining through the trees. 

“You’re such a punk, Stevie, you know that?” Bucky laughed wetly, moving his hands from where they were previously balled in the back of Steve’s shirt to cup his face. Steve’s smile was blinding the same time it was gentle. He leaned his forehead against Bucky’s, placing a gentle kiss there before letting his eyes slip close. 

“Jerk.” 

'If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's your's forever. If it doesn't, it was never meant to be.' 

**Author's Note:**

> my first marvel fanfic woah!!!!  
> hope you enjoyed :)


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